2 Guys 1 Couch

Vampire stories have been told over and over again. They all encompass the same concepts and legends. It’s hard to put a fresh spin on something that is so overly exposed. Vampires are kind of girly. Even the cool, mean ones have a sort of femininity to them. There’s that point where you say a guy is so feminine that he’s really masculine, like my idol Prince. That’s kind of how vampires are.

The thing we forget about Vampire folklore is that none of it is true. We tend to get ideas and think so inside the box. There’s the tall tales of garlic and crosses being harmful to vampires. Then, there’s the sunlight theory. I happen to like the fact that the vampires in Twilight glitter like an exotic dancer when the sunlight hits them.

It’s also nice to know that vampires take part in one of America’s favorite pastimes, baseball. We are so conditioned to think they are hanging upside down in a cave somewhere in Santa Monica. I don’t even know if there are “caves” in Santa Monica, but the point is this, it’s all b______t. 

I like the story altogether. Kristen Stewart plays the character of Bella Swan. The story is told through her vantage point, but she looks like she’s got a bad case of IBS with all the faces she makes. Maybe the Twilight vampires enjoy the smell of human feces. Maybe I should read the books to find out.

Then, you have Robert Pattinson as the dreamy Edward Cullen. I will announce right now that I am completely team Edward. If you disagree with this statement you should have probably read Matt’s review of the Human Centipede. That being said, since I am talking about the first movie alone, Jacob will only be mentioned in this very sentence and this sentence alone. Edward is cooler than a stupid wolf.

Beyond all the glitz and glamour, Edward can also kick some major butt when push comes to shove and believe me, it does. He has to fight off some pretty tough vampires that feed off of humans as opposed to the tree hugging Cullens.

For a movie supposedly aimed at teenage girls it sure has sparked some male masculinity debates. It’s not your usual bloodbath, wooden-stake-in-the-heart and coffin-during-the-day type of vampire tale we are used to. It’s really just a glorified beautiful love story about two high school kids. Except Edward will stay seventeen and Bella will grow old. I just wonder, does Edward continue going back to high school and use the following line?

“I just keep staying the same age… and so do they”

Seriously Shane? You won’t say bullshit? BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT-which is exactly what this movie is. And I still love it to death..haha get it?

“Twilight”, based on the bestselling book by Stephenie Meyer, is one of those movies you hate to love. It is rife with teen angst and leering glances. Obscene product placement (reallyVolvo…really?) and so much lip biting by Kristen Stewart I feel dirty watching it. Shane is “Team Edward”, which makes sense because Shane lives in a house with 5 women-he can’t help it. He has picked up their cycle and is now ovulating with them. Real men pick Jacob. Well, real men don’t watch this movie at all so I guess Shane and I are even. Shane also mentioned that he think it’s cool that Vampires in this film “shimmer” like glitter on a sunkissed stripper. That is a great description and I will be letting his wife know that he visits strippers.

In the end though, this movie sucks. The story is convoluted, the acting is laughable and it's shot like a bad Lifetime original. However, I love Lifetime and I love watching this movie..and that’s ok. It’s ok to be a little gay. And in Shane's case..a lot of gay.